Coming home

For a long time now I’ve struggled to define or explain what I want to do with my life. I’ve had a sense of it deep down, but bringing it out into something real hasn’t been easy (although it’s a privilege to have had some choice in this). I’ve had to make peace with being someone that can’t easily talk about what I ‘do’. I can share the part of me that is a stay at home mum. This is understandable, and fits into a neat box (although not always a box I enjoy being put in). But since my teenage years there’s been this other side to me that I don’t even really understand, and definitely can’t explain to others. Somewhere deep down inside a seed has been growing, and it’s not been possible to ignore or deny. 

I would vaguely tell people that what I cared about was helping others with their relationship with God (whilst often struggling with my own!). Discipleship, I guess, but this didn’t seem to encapsulate it. I felt drawn to exploring what God intended for us in this messy journey of life, and how we can find the depth that we are being called to. This isn’t something that you can get a degree in or has a clear route forward. For a long time it felt like a wishy-washy desire; too weak to mean that I could bring definition to it, but too strong to choose another path in life. I chose to study Theology because this felt near to what I cared about, and I love thinking about life’s big questions. But this is a degree that leads to a limited number of jobs. Did I want to be a church leader? Almost. But it wasn’t quite that. As the years moved on the frustration grew. Becoming ill, having children and moving house - all major things that we lived through and that took our time and capacity. Big highs and big lows. But what about this other part of me? This growing seed that was gaining strength and growing roots, but was still hidden in the cool darkness within. Was God taunting me? Was there even a reason for it being there? 

It is only in the last five years or so that I feel I have been given words to what I’d been exploring for so long. I came across the phrase: ‘Spiritual formation’ (stay with me - this is more than just jargon). In fact, I had a whole module in this for three years whilst studying, but I never really engaged. It all felt a bit fluffy and disconnected from real life somehow. But putting aside my initial reserve, I started to lean into the meaning. Formation. All of us are being formed, all of the time. Whether it’s by our relationships, the culture around us or the things we spend our time doing. It’s not something just for Christians or the spiritually elite, it’s happening to us now, we just may not be aware of it. There are things that can form us in a way that leads to wholeness, flourishing, more peace and more freedom, and there are things that form us in a way that leads to restriction, insecurity, fear and unhealthy habits. Spiritual formation is, quite simply, the process of being formed and transformed into who we were always made to be, and into the likeness of Jesus. It’s coming home to ourselves in God. 

I’ll be honest, for a while I didn’t like this. I have a big fear of feeling pressured to change the way I live. Years of being a Christian had led me to often feeling inadequate. I don’t pray enough, I don’t reach people enough, I don’t spend enough time with God. I’ve been down those anxiety roads and I can’t go back there. But, very slowly (and maybe this is why it’s taken a long time to grow in me), I’ve been learning to see spiritual formation as more of a gentle invitation and less of a demand. As I have read and learned more about this over time, I’ve found that it’s less about adding more things into life and trying hard to live really well (although good rhythms and habits is part of it), and more about learning to have compassion on all the parts of our lives and ourselves. To be brave enough to look at what’s real. To start to learn to let in that unconditional love of God - especially over the parts of ourselves we like least. And to start to notice God’s presence in the whole of our lives, whether we are commuting, dancing in the kitchen, doing laundry or watching TV. Spiritual formation is not reserved for those who have lots of time on their hands to gaze at lakes and meditate, or for those who can afford to go on retreats. It primarily happens in the nitty gritty of real life. And everyone can position themselves in a way that means that more growth can happen - growth that comes from God.

I’m still not really sure what I want to do when I look at the big picture of my whole life. I’m not sure it even matters. I now hold it all much more lightly - what I ‘do’ is a lot less important than who I am. If I felt God was leading me to spend all my time at the moment being a stay at home mum, that would be legitimate and just as important. But I do want to keep exploring this whole area and hearing from other voices along the way (there are so many resources and books written in this whole area that can get missed in mainstream church). This is a journey I’ve learned I can only approach with vulnerability - it won’t often feel like I’m going the right way, and I need a whole lot of self-compassion to find something more freeing. But what I can say now is that I care about is ‘Spiritual Formation’, and this is a space where I hope to share more of this journey. I would love to invite you to journey with me.